The Host Club All Up in Here
by DahliaValley
Summary: In which Haruhi has the week of her life. ;D Collab with Missy X. M for sexual thingz. Yeah, we got a passion fruit smoothie all up in here! Crack fic. New chapter up: "Tamaki: Turkey in the Straw".
1. Prologue

**A/N: Dahlia here, with a steamy new multichap brought to you by myself and my mystery cowriter, Missy X. If for any reason you wish to contact Missy, well then, you can't, 'cuz she's mystery. So deal with it. Beotch.**

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Prologue

It began innocently enough—three girls at a sleepover. Actually, no, it's not like that. The three girls part isn't the dirty part, we'll get to that later. So, anyway, yes. Three girls, six notecards, and one mindset: what mindset, you ask? Oh, I think you know.

What? You don't? Er…

As any teenage, hormone-ridden girls would, these girls were lusting after hot celebrities—but these celebrities were different. They weren't some pretty face in a magazine or a gun-wielding secret agent in a James Bond movie. No, these were a few boys that a certain Renge knew quite, er, personally.

No, she's not fucking them or anything. Seriously, get your mind out of the gutter. Well, only for a few minutes anyway. Once we get to the good stuff, you can throw that dirty mind of yours out back where it belongs. A-honka honka.

We set the scene: three girls, as I said before—Renge, Ryoka, and Amie—at Renge's house for an innocent sleepover. Or so her parents thought.

Shut it. They're not fucking. Really.

Anyhoo, let's listen in on their conversation.

"Oh, but Tamaki would be _so gentle_!" one squealed.

The fuck.

"Oh, but think of Kyoya's _PASSION!"_ said Renge with conviction.

Yes, dear readers, it is exactly what you think. These girls had six notecards and six hosts on the brain. And yes, they were recording the pros and cons of lying with each host in a sexual situation.

"You see, ladies," Renge said, "we give these notecards to my dear friend Haruhi and trick her into signing a contract saying that she'll take part in this… investigation. Then we shall see if our assumptions are correct."

"Excellent!" said Ryoka.

"I don't know about this…" said Amie, holding up the card with Honey's name on it. "First off, it seems a bit, I don't know, illegal to con Haruhi into this, and…" she glanced at the card. "Doing this for Honey feels _wrong."_

"Be strong now, girls," trumpeted Renge. "In the name of science!"

Yeah, sure. Science.

The girls' plan, and a surprisingly simple one it was, would be for Haruhi to sign a contract stating that she would sleep with each host, and report her findings.

Except for Honey. That would be weird.

The hosts, of course, did not know of this plan. But what Renge did know was that they all had feelings for Haruhi and most likely would not hesitate to engage in fornication with her. Girl's intuition, you see.

Haruhi was in for the week of her life.


	2. THIS IS HOW WE DO IT IN DA HOOD

**A/N: I just thought I'd mention that this entire multichap is a birthday fic for a friend of mine (henceforth known as the Purple Mage). Happy Birthday, gurrrrl! Also, Amie happens to be the OC of another friend (General F. Bunny), used without even a little bit of permission. Muchas gracias to Stinzorga, King of Bees (no code name here!), for reviewing an Ouran fic when you don't even watch Ouran.**

**One last thing - Missy and I really like Ryoka and her ghetto-ness. She'll appear in a couple more crackfics as my OC; I'll have the submission template ready when she makes an official entrance in a different fic. **

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Welcome again. I'm afraid there's more to our story. Yes, I'm disappointed, too. There was no action in the first chapter. Or in this one. Sorry. We'll get to it soon, don't you worry. ;D

"Oh, Haruhi!" called Renge just as Haruhi was leaving the host club.

It was a sunny Monday afternoon at Ouran Academy. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing softly, and Haruhi's week was about to be ruined. Did I say week? I meant life.

"Yeah?" said Haruhi, turning to face the eager young woman.

"Well, since you're a chick and all—"

"WHAT. Um, no no, I'm a guy…"

"Oh come on, sweetie, give it up." Renge held up a legal-sized piece of paper with extremely small print. "Anyway, will you take part in my friend's psychology experiment?"

Haruhi's large brown eyes skimmed the paper. "I'm not so sure about this…"

"Fancy tuna."

"Where do I sign?"

Thirty seconds and one signature later, Renge rolled up the paper and put in her bag. "But the way, you just agreed to sleep with each of the hosts."

Haruhi blacked out.

-Twenty minutes and a few smelling salts later-

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, calm down, sistah," said ghetto Ryoka with swaggah. She'd been called over by Renge when Haruhi fainted, since Ryoka was always so good with people.

"Dis is how we do it in da HOOD."

"What, you force people into sex?!"

"Fo sho, sweet thang. You gon' have yoself some hot gay sex, you hear?"

"Oh, and one more thing." Renge smiled. "You have to report back to us… on _everything."_

"Ev… er… ee… thing?"

"FO shizzle, yo."

Amie could be found off to the side impersonating a tomato.

"Allow me to explain the terms of your agreement. The hosts, naturally, are not aware of this, but we're hoping they'll rise to the occasion.

"…"

"Nicely put. You'll have fun with Mori."

"!"

"Don't interrupt." Renge took a sip from her teacup. "As I was saying, the three of us," she gestured to the other two girls, "have speculated what each night will be like and written pros and cons on a series of notecards. Tonight you are set to be deflowered by Tamaki. We figured he'd be the… gentlest."

"With Tamaki?" Haruhi whimpered. "With… senpai?"

"Dat's what she said, yo," raged Ryoka. "Don't disrespect mah sistah."

"Got it," said Haruhi. "I'm sorry, but… I feel it'd be… wrong… with _Honey…_"

"Oh, no, you don't have to do it with _him," _Renge said.

Amie poked her head out from behind a sofa where she was growing mushrooms. "Then why did you make me do the notecard for him?!"

"That was just to see how red we could make you."

"I hate you all."

"You and me both, sistah," said Haruhi, impersonating Ryoka with a shrug.

"YOU TRYIN' TO STEAL MAH SWAGGAH?!"

Three guesses who that was.

And yes, dear readers, Haruhi did sign that contract and therefore was in for one hell of a night.

Or five, to be precise.


	3. Tamaki: Turkey in the Straw

**A/N: Moo haa haa, back again, friends. Not that many people have reviewed... two people... and I don't think the second one was exactly positive. Anyhoo, Missy X and I would like to present...**

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Back again, friends. At this point in our story, Haruhi is feasting her eyes upon Tamaki's card, just outside his room. He was inside, no doubt lighting candles. Haruhi had not expected him to be so eager at the prospect of a night with his "daughter".

Tamaki's card was detailed, but not as detailed as some of the other cards would be.

**Tamaki **

Pros:

Gentle

Romantic

Flattering

HAWT

Understanding (he knows it's your first time, so don't freak)

No weird stuff

He'd use a condom (even if he didn't, we'd provide you with Morning After pills. You know, in case the condom breaks or something awkward like that. We wouldn't want a pregnant host, now would we? :D)

He'd serve you breakfast

Cons:

Tooooo gentle?

Awkward

Now self-confident (read: AT ALL)

Probably not experienced

Haruhi sighed and turned the knob. Entering bootytown.

Tamaki glanced up from the candles he was lighting. "Ah, my sweet Haruhi…"

Haruhi had to admit, he did look stunning in his silk bath robe. "Hisenpai."

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

Tamaki held his arms out invitingly. In that moment, Haruhi decided to let herself get lost in that deep violet gaze. She could pretend that she wasn't conned into doing this, she could nurture the feelings that she just might have for this boy—no, this _man._

She met his gaze, and threw herself into his arms.

This is where we get down and diiiiiiiiiiiirty!

"Don't kill the mood, Narrator," Haruhi muttered.

Sorry. Now make out.

His lips met hers, passion coursing through his veins like drugs. His hands wandered and found her bottom. He took it in a firm but gentle grasp, squeezing it lightly.

He slid a tender hand under her silk chemise, brushing her stomach ever so softly. She gasped. He grasped her waist and steered her in the direction of his elegant four-post, lips still together.

Tumbling roughly onto the bed, Tamaki was suddenly a creature of passion, hands entangled in her chestnut locks.

His hand left her hair to explore previously forbidden territory. It danced across her padded chest and found the clasp to Haruhi's bra, undoing it without difficulty.

Off came the chemise, then the bra. They both got under the sheets, Haruhi's arms wrapped around her lover's back. Tamaki stared at her relatively flat chest.

"Sorry, I don't really have much there," said Haruhi, mortified.

"No," he whispered, reaching for them. "They're ADORABLE!" She flushed.

Haruhi made a mental note: AWKWARD IS RIGHT. Two points to Renge and her "homies".

Tamaki tugged at the fly of Haruhi's jean shorts. Haruhi helped him get them off. Being a man who wears mostly slacks, he was not well-read in how to take off jeans.

There they were—Tamaki in his bath robe (all smexy and naked underneath), and Haruhi in just panties.

Tamaki pressed down on the wet spot quickly forming on her panties. Pushing aside the underwear, he inserted one finger into her small opening, gently pumping in and out rhythmically.

"Oooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhggg gggggghhhhhh…"

He pushed in a second finger, working her until her lady juices were all over his fine silken sheets.

Ripping her panties aside, Tamaki removed his bath robe, displaying all he had.

"Behold, Haruhi," he boomed, "The Suoh family jewels."

Haruhi gaped.

Her thoughts in that moment: HOLY MAMA OF DA GHETTO DAT WEINER'S BIGGER THAN AN ACTUAL WEINER DOG! THAT THING CAN'T POSSIBLY FIT INSIDE OF ME, NO ONE HAS A VAGINA THAT CAN HOLD THAT MUCH… THAT MUCH… STUFF!

But she kept her composure on the outside.

Tamaki returned to the bed and positioned himself just above Haruhi. She tried to ignore her racing heart, tried to forget that this was her virginity she was about to lose—

Sensing her nerves, Tamaki stroked her cheek with his hand (the one that hadn't been in her hoo-hoo) and simply gazed at her. This was enough to melt her soul into putty in his arms. Everything would be okay. Hell, more than okay. This could be fuuuuuuunnnnn.

"I'll go slowly," he murmured in her ear, kissing it softly.

_This is so fucking awkward_, she thought. _No pun intended._

He moved down, kissing each bit of exposed skin on her neck (which was all of it, by the way), working his way down to her breasts.

She looked down at his package. Wow, a condom had miraculously appeared on his wang. How convenient.

Tamaki took a deep breath and entered her slooooooowly.

Yowza.

She closed her eyes, blocking out the pain, but a few tears still managed to leak through her closed eyelids. Tamaki kissed the tears away. He kissed the pain away… he kissed the world away.

After a few moments of this, Haruhi whispered go and Tamaki began thrusting in and out to the beat of "Turkey in the Straw," while Haruhi sang the lyrics under her breath.

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh…"

That, dear readers, was Tamaki.

Haruhi failed miserably at faking an orgasm, screaming "HEE-HAW!" just at the right moment.

Tamaki failed miserably at catching this, luckily for Haruhi.

When Tamaki eventually (she'd started to drift off a bit there…) came, it was in copious amounts. Thankfully, he wasn't much for postplay, so he just held Haruhi in his arms the rest of the night.

Needless to say, she didn't sleep very soundly.

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**A/N: Well, lookie here, it's turned into a crackfic. In case all you half-wits couldn't catch that before.**


	4. Mori: He was the Original Moby Dick

**A/N: Big ol' shout-out to the two lovely humans who reviewed chapters two and three. Missy and I appreciate it! This one's for y'all. **

Once again, our plucky heroine stood outside the chamber of one of her faithful comrades, this time fearing the impending prospect of awkwardness with her next sexapade, a lad by the name of Mori. He had many pros on his card, but left something to be desired…

**Mori:**

Pros:

BIGGER! (As in bigger dick for you slow people)

HAWT

A gentleman

More self-confidence

Caring

Protective

He'd use a condom

He'd serve you breakfast

Cons:

Too quiet (this counts double against him)

Awkward

Too strong

You'd be self-conscious

Unreadable

Her night's lover silently opened the door to his room, silently beckoning her inside. Inside the room, that is.

"Well, hi, Mori-senpai…"

"Mm."

"Are you—"

He cut her off with a firm kiss.

"Oh," she murmured softly as he broke away. Stroking her exposed arms, he led her to his bed, taking great care not to squish her as he climbed on top of her, shorts brushing against her thighs. He reached for the top button of her collared shirt.

"May I?" She nodded, heart racing. Maybe, just maybe, this time she wouldn't have to fake an orgasm.

He undid the first few buttons slowly as his sweet breath warmed her neck. When he exposed enough to see her bra, his eyes widened at the ocean-themed pattern.

"Mori likey seashells…"

_Well, _thought Haruhi, _It's better than Turkey in the Straw._

She could feel his growing erection through the layers of clothes between them. Clothes that she suddenly wanted _off. _

As she struggled to tug off Mori's shorts, they heard a voice chirp out from somewhere behind them. "Having fun, are we?"

Mori growled; Haruhi twitched.

Renge sniffed. "Do I smell rose petals?"

Mori smiled, nodding once before returning to his position atop the teenager. The other one, I mean. Not Renge. Ew.

"Anyway, I'm just here to collect your report on Tamaki's lovemaking 'skillz,' as Ryoka put it…"

Haruhi gritted her teeth. "I'm kinda busy right now, Renge."

"Oh well," the girl said, and promptly exited the room with a flourish.

Thankfully, Mori wasn't the type to ask questions.

"Sorry about that," said Haruhi, thinking bitterly that Renge had killed the mood.

"Mmm."

Haruhi resumed what she was trying to do before—take his shorts off. Then something occurred to her as he began pawing her breasts through her bra… shouldn't the shirt come off first, or what? What was she doing wrong here? It felt like sex should be happening, or…

Wait, slow down gurrrrrl. The clothes have to come off first. Start with his shirt…

Right. She tugged his shirt over his head, and (with his help) managed to get his shorts off, too.

Now Haruhi's clothes had to come off. Mori had the honor of doing THAT. He slid the button-down off her shoulders, smoothly pulling off the skirt she had on.

Now they were both stripped down to their underwear, lying there with Mori on top and Haruhi wondering just what the hell would come next.

Reaching under her back, Mori searched for her bra clasp, finding it within a few minutes ("It's in the front, senpai"). He wrenched the bra off, admiring her perky boobies before goin' down on that beotch.

He took her left breast in his mouth, massaging it with his tongue while his right hand worked the right boob. Haruhi was somewhat taken aback by this gesture of intimacy.

Haruhi wasn't sure what to do in return—should she lick his elbow, or what?

No, she decided against THAT.

He eventually moved down south, working her harder than Tamaki did, with all four fingers all up in there. Yup, he shoved 'em right in. Practically made a fist.

"Muhhhhhh…. Muhhhhhhhh…" she moaned, finding pleasure in his ministrations.

He rose abruptly, pulling off his shorts and tossing them somewhere in the recesses of his apartments.

While he was at it, he went and removed his boxers, too, revealing a rather impressive package deal.

Mori was the original "Moby Dick".

He returned to his position relative to Haruhi. He stroked the inside of her thigh, sending erotic shivers up her spine. He knew just how to please a woman in the simplest ways, he thought, as he positioned himself over her entrance, lowering slowly.

Fireworks erupted inside of Haruhi, her eyes locked on his as he fucked her, this time not to the tune of "Turkey in the Straw".

He went faster and faster, sinking in hilt-deep, with Haruhi's nails digging into his back.

There was no need to fake an orgasm _this time_.

"OOOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOOwAAAAAAA aaaaaAAAAAAAooooOOOOOOOOOOO…"

He went faster… Fast, but gentle…

"MOOFMOOFMOOFMOOFMOOFMOOF…"

He pumped _harder_… harder, passionately…

And _then_…

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

They pulled away just long enough for them both to catch her breath, before Mori took her once more in his arms, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. She drifted off like this.

Good thing you didn't need words to be a great fucker.

Mori didn't want to admit it—he had figured that the sex was something Haruhi was doing because Renge was making her. He didn't care at the time, thinking that even if he couldn't have her forever, he could at least have her this one night.


End file.
